Tapping into My Inner Child + My Shadow

The past few weeks have been calling me to tap deeper into myself.

For the longest time, I had been feeling very “bleh”, I had been feeling that my light, my fire, was very dim…and I was highly bothered by it. It is this unsettling feeling, you know, being aware of your potential and the energy you possess, but being unable to express it.

Something else that was bothering me was that I felt alone. Now, I know I have friends all over the world, but there was this unfeeling feeling of loneliness. My close circle has been shifting all year and I have been paying attention. Maybe it was my Ego, or maybe it is because of where I physically am right now, but the feeling was there, nonetheless.

One thing I am grateful for is that I have mirrors around me. My partner and a few of my friends were able help me talk out and process what I was feeling.

The first exclamation was that I had essentially lost my sense of independence. Although I love my partner DEARLY, deep down in my core, I am not comfortable with depending on ANYONE and I felt like I could not sufficiently provide for myself alone. That was something I knew I needed to work towards changing. I have been working on my relationship with money for YEARS! I can now say that I LOVE MONEY without feeling ashamed and I know that I deserve LOTS of money because The Divine has given me GREAT visions that require funding…it’s already mine, all I have to do is manifest it into my physical reality. In regards to money, I know that I want to clear debt and have health insurance, so ya girl has set her self on a different track!

The second exclamation was that FUN was not a part of my daily life. I have been working on goals and myself for so long, that I didn’t make time or allocate for fun. This realization prompted me to tap into my inner child because I was ignoring Baby J for way too long. She had began to visit me in my dreams and I kept thinking about her so now, besides mothering her (that is a whole other story), I ask her what she needs for the day. I tap into that innocence and that youth to make sure that she is properly nourished. I made it a point to laugh and smile more. Life, these past few years, have been HEAVY and unstable. It was wearing on me and I was TIRED. Life is still working itself out, but I know that I can have some kind of fun while the ancestors and my guides align what needs to be aligned.

On July 3rd, I combed out locs that I had started and wrote this on Facebook:

“Now, this isn’t JUST for vain reasons. I have been really sitting with myself because I had to admit to myself that I have not been truly happy for a REALLY long time. Yes, I have had many blessings over the years, my relationship is amazing, I have friends that love me, but that doesn’t mean that I have been HAPPY.
My spark, my inner fire, my JAZZ, all dimmed (or got buried) in 2015. I haven’t been my rambunctious, adventurous, flirtatious, loud ass, always smiling, always laughing, always laughing self since then. Life weighed heavy on me.
What I’ve realized it’s that my clothes & my hair are an outward expression of me, they are what I use to show the world who I am & how I feel....I haven’t been able to truly do that since 2015. My hair is an extension of me. I want to present to the world how I feel deep down inside. I want to navigate the world in my fullest expression, without limits. Free, yet grounded.
So know that my bad ass Shadow side is making a comeback & she will be working alongside my light side, not giving a F, but caring genuinely about humanity (it’s very possible).
Here is to #returnofthemanept2”

I reached my ENOUGH point. If you’ve never head me say this or use that phrase, this is what it means. Everyone goes through events and situations, deals with crappy people, and we often don’t do anything because secretly, deep down, we feel that its not “that bad”, we secretly feel that we deserve it, or we feel that there is nothing better aka we settle. The ENOUGH point is the FUCK THIS/FUCK IT point. It is the boiling point, when you can no longer take the pressure & you feel like you are about to break so you do some drastic shit and get your life more aligned on the path that is your purpose. I had reached that point. I was done acting cranky, feeling sad, feeling angry, always crying, being broke, and NOT LIVING IN ABUNDANCE!

So I called on my Shadow & boy was she ready to come back to the surface! See, my Shadow is the part of me that people thought was too overwhelming, too bossy, too bright, too extra, too everything *rolls eyes*. Let me tell you, my Shadow is the most determined and diligent force that I know, SHE GETS SHIT DONE, doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks, & looks like a whole meal doing it! She does what she wants and you cannot tell her no. She asks for forgiveness rather than permission. She is always shaking her behind & her tongue is always sticking out her mouth, but she knows how to have a good time. That’s just how she rolls.

It felt good waking her up. I missed her so much.

I made some AFFIRMATIONS for my Shadow to remind myself to tap into her:

- I believe in myself and my abilities.

- I am MFKN GREAT, RICH, BLESSED & THAT BISH.

- I lack NOTHING. I have EVERYTHING I need to succeed.

- I am independent.

- I have the SAUCE. I got the JUICE.

- I GLOW without restraint.

- I am FLY AS FUCK.

I also had an epiphany right after I wrote these affirmations, that I wrote in my journal:

“I just had an epiphany! It’s not necessarily that things went downhill when I became more spiritual, it is that I began to glow brighter and I attracted all kinds of moths & parasites with my light. I think I subconsciously snuffed that light to not attract anyone that could use me, abuse me or hurt me. I dimmed my light in fear that I would keep attracting shit people. FUCK THAT. I am going to let my light shine as bright as it wants because I am THAT woman, THAT bish, & I GOT THE MUHFUCKIN JUICE. It is a disservice to myself, my ancestors, Spirit, and The Divine to not shine bright.”

So yeah, I am starting to feel alive again, the more I tap into my inner child and my Shadow. As I feel more and journey deeper within myself, I am sure lots more will come up. I am sure that as my light gets stronger and brighter, more people, “good” & “bad” will be attracted to me, but I have to trust that all of these years building up the strength of my discernment will pay off. I am trusting in the process and expanding more into myself because it is what I was put on this earth to do.