J. CHAVAE

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Living Spiritually

My Life Is Not Picture Perfect Anymore, Actually It Hasn't Been for Over 3 Years

In October 2015 my life changed forever, a huge part of me died, and I have been trying to figure it out ever since.

Before then, I was living my life almost exactly how everyone said I should. I dropped out of college, but I was living on my own, I had my own car, and I was making over $60k a year. I. WAS. LIVING. THE. LIFE. I looked hella good. I had a close filled with clothes and shoed that I loved (I wanted to be a fashion designer so clothes were a HUGE part of my life and self-expression). My hair was big. My confidence was high.

Two years prior to my world getting flipped upside down, I had started my yoga journey. I had no idea that YOGA would change my life forever. My yoga journey opened me up to so much divine information. I was so excited (and scared as fuck) to be learning so many things outside of what religion had taught me my whole life. My Venus is in Gemini, so you know all of the newness was giving me life. I was excited about yoga, herbs, natural products and remedies, ways of life, belief systems, and everything that resonated with me. I was always happy to take pictures of myself or the things that I was exploring/discovering for myself. I was even more happy to share them on my instagram. [That’s when my social media blew up. I was doing yoga, my hair was big, I was serving lewks, etc]

The biggest thing that I was given during this time was the awareness of self and how I was the key player in how things in my life manifested. My capacity to be ignorant diminished within months.

The awakening of my awareness began the biggest shift in my life thus far. I could no longer “cast my cares” away. I could no longer “pray it away”. I became an active participant in my life. To this day, that responsibility is liberating and heavy.

I was already a highly sensitive, empathic person, but 2015 things got kicked into high gear. My body would react adversely to men, I could feel when people died, and I was having major anxiety attacks every other month, whenever I stepped foot into my job, literally. It was overwhelming, I was scared, but I knew that I had to leave. I knew that living just to work for someone else was not what was for me.

Me moving from my apartment with my best friend in New York to my mothers house in Georgia was supposed to be a change of scenery and, simultaneously, an elevation in my life. I spent my whole life in New York and I was ready for something different, away from all of the trauma and grief. I had faith that Georgia was where I needed to be. I packed up my Toyota Yaris hatchback as much as I could and hit the road.

I got to Georgia and things didn’t pan out the way that I thought that they should have. I kept getting jobs that were extremely far and only gave me like 17 hours A MONTH. Then I got a job that I thought was cool, but they payed me $7.25/hour to basically run a whole store. After that I got two super part time jobs that I loved, but I just wasn’t making enough to live comfortably. I wasn’t able to express myself through clothes like I used to. I wasn’t able to go out (experiences) like I used to. I didn’t have the money to afford to do anything like I used to, and I LOVED to have fun *technically I still do*. I even shaved my hair off (cues Brittney Spears 2007). MY beloved hair was gone. On top of all of this, I was going through serious depression while dealing with aint shit negros and being hurt by women who I thought were my friends.

I decided that I had enough and got a one way ticket to New York. I figured that I would stay with a friend or family for a few months, get a job, and live in a cute apartment in Harlem or Brooklyn. City life didn’t go as planned. I was getting NO calls back for jobs and I was about to be homeless. I. WAS. FREAKING. OUT. I literally had an anxiety attack. When I woke up Spirit put a crazy notion in my head and I followed it, which brought me to Baltimore.

Baltimore was a big dose of WHAT THE FUCK. Please let me disclaim and say that Baltimore IS NOT a BAD city, there are plenty of cool things and dope people there. I am simply sharing MY experience and personal feelings. My experience in the city was not very pleasurable being that I was in a city with no friends at first, the energy felt very heavy, I had no car, I never had plans on being there, and the neighborhood that I was first in was beyond lackluster. I just worked and whatever money I made went to bills, furniture, and food. We ended up moving to a way better neighbor hood, but still the feeling remained, I was not okay. I wasn’t having fun. My life was boring and I was honestly trying to keep face on social media. I was trying to keep up with what had got me to where I was. Bomb ass selfies, yoga, dance, information, and all of the coolness I came across in between.

If you literally scroll through my Instagram, you will see the shifts and changes aka you’ll stop seeing super cute pictures of me dressed up and feeling sassy….and in all honestly it hurts me. Ever since I left New York in 2015, I feel like I lost a big part of myself. Granted I met some amazing people along the way (hey fine ass partner), I strengthened older friendships, and I learned A LOT (all of those shit moments held great value and importance). Yet and still, I have endured my darkest days since 2015. I have had a ridiculous amount of cries, a plethora of breakdowns, extensive episodes of major depression, overwhelming bouts of confusion, a handful of moments of “why am I even alive, this is purposeless”, days where I don’t get out of bed, etc.

All throughout the years, the level of picturesque moments have dwindled. The money to fund the dope ass moments (not needed to be captured on camera all the time) has dwindled. I feel like I keep failing and starting over from start and it is tolling on my spirit.

I want to feel that fire in me again. I want to go out and explore the world. I want to see new things, eat new food, meet new people. I want my bank account to be bursting at the seams again. I want to feel creativity flowing through my body so much where it can’t be contained. I want to feel JAZZY. I want to look, as well feel amazing in this life, but until then, I don’t have pictures for you. I don’t have anything to show you. I can’t be one of those people that forces a post just to stay relevant. Although my social media community is dropping slowly because of my inactivity, and my Ego is freaking the hell out, I got nothing for you. My life isn’t picture perfect and I truly want to figure out how to connect with you all, share with you all, and grow my projects in real life, without DEPENDING on social media. And even when my life is as I feel it should be, that doesn’t mean that I will be sharing every detail with the world. I really just want to be in the space mentally, spiritually, and financially, to give to my community, to help my spirit family.

I’m not fully sure what I am doing in or with my life. I know I have amazing plans and ideas that are being flushed out, but I don’t know what my future holds. I do my best every day. I muster up the strength and courage to keep going every day. I wrote all of this because I honestly needed to put my feelings into words so that they would stop sitting on my chest. I just needed to get this out. I needed to let you know that as much as I want to be present on social media, I can’t beat myself up comparing myself to what others live, do, &/or share. My foundation isn’t solid, my root is not grounded. I have to get myself in order because my cup surely isn’t full.

My life is not picture perfect, but not all of life is. Some moments are not publicly sharable. Some moments need to be feeled, experienced, and noted. Most moments need to be lived and learned….I have to be okay with that.