On Self Love || The Book
This book has truly been a work in progress and it has been a long time coming. Back story.
If you have known me in real life, or via social media, for the past few years, you know that I co-wrote and released a book called Her Crown in 2014. It was the love of my life and I was beyond proud of myself for releasing a book at such a young age. Who would have known that things would have turned out the way they did.
*everything that I am about to say is from this point on, is from a place of observation and reflection, not judgement.
I was young and naive. I genuinely did not know what I was doing, I simply had a calling, a push, from Spirit, I followed through, and I learned as I went along (as with everything I do in life). I did what I was capable of doing at that moment, but it was not good enough for the other person. I will say that that experience taught me so much, even through the tears and the pain. There were so many valuable life lessons that were learned.
As much as I did not want to give up on or release something that I worked so hard on, I had no other choice. All in all, I had to let that go. It hurt me to my core to have to let my first book go, but it was something that had to be done. With no compensation from book or product sales, I walked away and cut ties with the woman that I thought was my friend. I cried SO much over that book and the negative energy and situations that were unfolding. I am not even mad at her anymore, really. I learned some more things recently that made me come to peace with what had occurred.
I let Her Crown go and funnily enough I was asked to work on another book project with a friend and a woman that I thought was my friend at the end of 2016. I will not get into full details of this "partnership" either, but long story short, I started to notice that this woman, who I thought was my "friend" started to display behaviors that mimicked the woman that I co-wrote Her Crown with. Actually, these behaviors may have been a bit more amplified being that I was actually in that persons space (living with them) for a period of time. I noticed these things and at the same time, I was going through a major life transition. I had to pull away from that project for numerous reasons, and needless to say this woman hated me for it. She hated me for standing up for myself and standing up against her need to control me. She still hates me to this day, but I am perfectly alright with that because I see past the facade that she puts up.
With both of these situations, every time I stood up for myself, I was countered with projections or an attempt to guilt me or invalidate my feelings. I realized that both of these women attempted to make me feel like I was no one, I was nothing, and could not do anything without them and their "resources", basically feed off of what I could give/my creative energy while making me feel as though I needed to depend on them for any kind of success. I had to learn through experience I that I am, indeed, enough.
Last year (2016) was truly the catalyst for my real self-love journey. I realized that although I was claiming all of these wonderful things, I did not fully and truly believe them (even though I really wanted to), therefore, I could not embody them.
I was doing so much for other people, I was giving so much of myself that I felt completely naked, exposed, and drained. I was, and am still, going through one of the roughest patches of my life. So many things were stripped from me and I have not been comfortable since I moved to Georgia....but in the space of discomfort, the best growth happens.
I had to go within. I had to isolate myself. I had to be quiet and get still. I took breaks from social media, breaks from people, breaks from the outside world. I spent so much time with myself, I still do. I learned so much about Who I Am as a Spirit, and who I am as a person (those are two different things that my spirit sister Hasnaa helped me understand, which I will expand on at a later date).
In this silence, I channeled everything into writing. I wrote every day for months. Old, unresolved, and pent up emotions came up for me. I wrote about it. Things were happening in my present moments, I wrote about it. I was hurting. I wrote about it. I hoped for so much love. I wrote about it. I was so quiet, I heard God/Goddess, I heard myself, and I wrote all of that down too. I wrote about my thoughts on life, love, the sun, the moon, the stars, depression, my future, the pain, the joy....I. Wrote. It. All.
In the midst of the releasing, the title came to me, On Self Love. Literally, it just came to me, while I was sitting down on my bed one morning, out of nowhere. I wrote it down on my whiteboard and thought nothing of it. As I kept writing the downloads, the thoughts, the messages from the universe, the cosmos, my highest self, I felt like I was remembering who I was. I was remembering who I was based off of the situations that happened, which helped me remember that which I am not. My revelations and downloads were "oh, yeah!" moments for me. That is where the subtitle, The Remembering, came from. The more I wrote, it was like this amnesia was being lifted, slowly but surely. My book is literally a compilation of thoughts and words that helped me navigate back to the knowing of Who I Am, it was my way to help me remember me.
The words that fill the pages of this book are very raw. They come straight from my heart, straight from my soul. There are no filters. There is no making things pretty or acceptable to the majority. This book is literally me. It is an extension of me and my mind, me and my spirit.
As I was remembering, I started to record videos of my downloads and uploaded it to my youtube channel. Some people resonated with what I was saying, some people tried to come for my life, but I am okay with that. Most people react vert negatively or aggressively when you challenge something that you have been or known your entire life.
Also through the remembering came the amplification of my love to help people remember to love themselves. I started making herbal blends and bath salts to help people put some kind of ritual in their lives to honor themselves. At this moment, I had to stop since I decided to follow Spirit and uproot and replant back in NY. Everything will resume once I set up my own place to reside.
All in all, it has literally been a journey. Many ups and downs. Many tears. Many moments of uncertainty, doubt, and fear. Many moments of depression and anxiety. Many moments fighting to stay true to myself while everyone wants me to conform. Many enlightened moments. Many instances of pure love and direct connection to Source. Many things have happened in the past year and a half, but they were absolutely necessary.
This book is necessary. It is necessary for me. I wrote this book all by myself. Drew out the cover. Figured out how to arrange and lay out words and pages. This book is proof to myself that I can do things by myself (with the help of others of course). This book is physical proof that I AM ENOUGH.